New Year self-inventory

If you've reached the post-holiday point of trying to plan for the new chronological year with fresh insight for its unknowns, take some time to consider this method I've been using for well over 20 years. I'm a list maker and I enjoy soulful pragmatic discernment with this self-inventory every new years day. If you've ever worked in retail, it's like taking stock in a store, and adjusting the merchandising. You can use this as I describe it, or adapt it for your own style.

Take a period of quiet time, go for a walk, do a physical or meditation practice with time afterward for focusing on discerning your unique and personally fundamental have tos, or needs; your deep wishes, or desires; and the shoulds/shouldn'ts at this time in your life. These will differ from person to person as well as over your lifespan, perhaps even throughout the year. This may help to create a dialogue with yourself that you can return to through the months and years to come.

Then take a sheet of plain paper, turn it horizontally, fold or draw 3 columns down the page.

At the top, label the three columns : 

HAVE TOs                          SHOULDs/SHOULDN'Ts                              WANT TOs

Now, make entries under each category, mindfully, with just a few words, not full sentences.

I correspond these to the three Freudian concepts of the self and its differing levels of intrapersonal life:

Have to's = Id, basic survival   

Shoulds/shouldn'ts = Superego, social regulation   

Want to's = Ego, self regulation 

In your deciding, the three categories break down more specifically like this:

Have to's - these are the non-negotiables in your life that you feel you must attend to for sheer survival. These may be your priority for paying the rent/mortgage on time, keeping your job, changing or finding one, keeping yourself healthy or recovering from an illness. You may also note your deepest virtues, like honesty, being responsible, caring for others, being in nature, or other crucial needs unique for you personally. You can also discern aspects in your life which you consider essential for your psychic survival, not just your physical life, such as excelling in school, a skill or a sport. Think of these as your personal 10 commandments, and remember that the big 10 themselves were commandments - musts, not maybes, shoulds, or nice ideas. Are you an artist who must make art each day? Or a musician who must practice daily or at fixed times weekly? Are you a parent who must prioritize your children above all else? Are you committed to a relationship, or to getting out of one?

Shoulds/shouldn'ts - these are the voices of the super ego "inner nag" keeping you socially respectable but very often not fulfilling either your basic needs or deepest desires and wishes. These can be like caring too greatly what others think of you, or attaining someone else's idea of the perfect weight, relationship, housing, job. You may need to care more about these when you are younger and living under hierarchies or rules you do not choose but need to follow. However, you may not need to care as much about these when you are older or more secure. You may even find new freedom in casting off many of these in your aging or your acquired expertise, even laughing at them, though they once may have caused much stress. For instance, in recovering from oppression or trauma, many people find they can no longer live by externally demanded rules or roles that limit their deeper needs, desires and ultimately their sense of self. These roles might then be viewed as dispensable, as when a protege outgrows a mentor.

Want to's - Healthy egos have wants that are not the same as being egotistical. These are the personally chosen aspects of your life that are like the icing on the cake of your wishes or desires. Differing from goals, you may deeply desire to attain any of these, but you can live without them if you can't, or until you can attain them. These are also the virtues or practices you wish to grow into, such as becoming accomplished in a field, learning an instrument, sport or activity of your dreams, taking or completing a course or passion project, maintaining a relationship on your terms as much as possible, travel to a dreamt of site, living a bucket list, etc. These make your life worth living and give you energy instead of sapping it. They can ground you while also liberating you.

Here's an example I often cite from my own life:

Have to - lose 10 pounds; side note, truly necessary for my basic health

Should - lose 40 pounds; side note, largely vanity and probably unhelpful thinking

Want to - lose 20 pounds; side note, solidly aspirational for my pride and health

Mid-year I check these lists and briefly review how I've honoured them, if I still need to work on them, or if I decide to dump any of them. I tick ones I'm working on, and at the next new years day, I review them again before I compose any new lists.

If you do this self inventory for a few years, you may find that your "have to's" that you once felt to be crucially non-negotiable musts in your life are no longer needs for you, or they are shifting to becoming less demanding, but deeply desirable now as "want to's." Or, your have to's may even shift over time into the completely negotiable column of shoulds/shouldn'ts, where you can view them from a different perspective than when you had felt tied to them or driven by them. You may even find yourself laughing at the should's/shouldn'ts which you no longer need to heed in your maturing self. After several years of doing this, I have sometimes found my needs to be nearly equivalent to my wants column. In other words, I've frequently discovered greater inner harmony by wanting and simply enjoying doing what I had to do, as opposed to desperately needing or being driven by wants.

As you will see for yourself, you are not set in stone, even if the big 10 Biblical commandments originally were. See if this works for you, and welcome to your new year of life.