The Storying of Identity

Naomi Klein has said of current challenges to storying and identity in a recent, shared zoom, "It's a big deal to take away the stories that make up the Self." When foundational collective or personal myths are challenged, some may become enraged, some fall into despair, but others can and must learn to create new stories about ourselves and the world around us. This was the life's work of social worker/therapist Michael White, the founder of his school of Narrative Therapy. In his concept of the "re-authoring of identity," persons can learn to deconstruct the harmful stories and myths that have hindered them, to then reconstruct new ones. These are created not merely out of thin air, but from some of the raw materials of the prior tales, or others, intuitively or consciously, for new tellings that fit the lived reality and longings of persons seeking belonging, release and healing.

What are the stories of your identity? Individually, collectively, personally, familially, past and present? What do these stories bring you - belonging or a longing to belong, solidity or solidarity, anger or insight, vengeance or joy? What stories do you pass on to your loved people, your children, friends, students, colleagues, communities? Have you ever questioned a story of your personal or collective identity?

Founding myths are one form of collective storying for group identity that give many the binding force for their culture, religious tradition, beliefs, club, or favourite past time. Founding myths are present in all religious and cultural traditions. What are some of yours? For instance, many in the US see the "Founding fathers" of the early United States as Christian, white, male, heterosexual and monogamous. Not many of these men were all of these at once, with many being Deists, Rosicrucians, Quakers, and other non-traditionally religious/philosophical sophisticates. Most of them were also slave-holding, adulterously fathering mixed race children, and extremely wealthy, hardly of hard working peasant stock. Their originating writings precluded women, children, other races, and the non-propertied. The uncontested accumulation of collective, false myths around these figures has led to currently revitalized forms of white supremacy, Christian nationalism, justification for land and resource theft, and patriarchal relegation of women to inequality with men.

Foundational myths are also present in many families and groups that can bring strength through belonging in facing hostile natural or social environments. For instance, many groups that have suffered historical persecution incorporate this into their larger story as if in preparedness for the next round of injustice, "We have always been hunted," or "We have always stood together against the oppressor," or "We have always faced life through death in our warrior society." Can any of these stories change through time if a group realizes other sides to their narrative? For instance, have we ever done the hunting, or have we ever been an oppressor? Even the originating mythos of the Book of Genesis of "man" being given dominion over the natural world has turned responsible stewardship of creation into the domination of the Latin term for the Lordship of God - Dominus. It does not account for the medieval English root of the term "lord" as "leved - loaf warden" - the morally responsible provider of equal sustenance for all in the feudal estate.

The self-storying of individuals is one of the main foci of therapy. Can individual stories ever be changed, flipped, over-turned or tuned to fit what a person now needs and wants?

For instance, growing up female in many cultures is considered second class politically, economically detrimental for a family, inherently morally flawed in many religions, or largely potential for social or sexual exploiting at the whim of others. When these stories are challenged by differing understandings of female strength via endurance, flexibility, tenacity, mental and physical agility for female empowerment and equality, society changes. Or, an individual story of being a repeat "loser" - socially, economically, romantically - can be challenged by realizing the strength in enduring, in adapting, in faithfulness to oneself, ones beliefs, ones community, and in resilience by rising after a defeat through willingness to try again, or to love, perhaps more wisely, rather than hate.

What stories are you currently living? What stories do you wish to live? What can you create to do this? Therapists may help you to re-story your life and sometimes your very identity.

New Year self-inventory

If you've reached the post-holiday point of trying to plan for the new chronological year with fresh insight for its unknowns, take some time to consider this method I've been using for well over 20 years. I'm a list maker and I enjoy soulful pragmatic discernment with this self-inventory every new years day. If you've ever worked in retail, it's like taking stock in a store, and adjusting the merchandising. You can use this as I describe it, or adapt it for your own style.

Take a period of quiet time, go for a walk, do a physical or meditation practice with time afterward for focusing on discerning your unique and personally fundamental have tos, or needs; your deep wishes, or desires; and the shoulds/shouldn'ts at this time in your life. These will differ from person to person as well as over your lifespan, perhaps even throughout the year. This may help to create a dialogue with yourself that you can return to through the months and years to come.

Then take a sheet of plain paper, turn it horizontally, fold or draw 3 columns down the page.

At the top, label the three columns : 

HAVE TOs                          SHOULDs/SHOULDN'Ts                              WANT TOs

Now, make entries under each category, mindfully, with just a few words, not full sentences.

I correspond these to the three Freudian concepts of the self and its differing levels of intrapersonal life:

Have to's = Id, basic survival   

Shoulds/shouldn'ts = Superego, social regulation   

Want to's = Ego, self regulation 

In your deciding, the three categories break down more specifically like this:

Have to's - these are the non-negotiables in your life that you feel you must attend to for sheer survival. These may be your priority for paying the rent/mortgage on time, keeping your job, changing or finding one, keeping yourself healthy or recovering from an illness. You may also note your deepest virtues, like honesty, being responsible, caring for others, being in nature, or other crucial needs unique for you personally. You can also discern aspects in your life which you consider essential for your psychic survival, not just your physical life, such as excelling in school, a skill or a sport. Think of these as your personal 10 commandments, and remember that the big 10 themselves were commandments - musts, not maybes, shoulds, or nice ideas. Are you an artist who must make art each day? Or a musician who must practice daily or at fixed times weekly? Are you a parent who must prioritize your children above all else? Are you committed to a relationship, or to getting out of one?

Shoulds/shouldn'ts - these are the voices of the super ego "inner nag" keeping you socially respectable but very often not fulfilling either your basic needs or deepest desires and wishes. These can be like caring too greatly what others think of you, or attaining someone else's idea of the perfect weight, relationship, housing, job. You may need to care more about these when you are younger and living under hierarchies or rules you do not choose but need to follow. However, you may not need to care as much about these when you are older or more secure. You may even find new freedom in casting off many of these in your aging or your acquired expertise, even laughing at them, though they once may have caused much stress. For instance, in recovering from oppression or trauma, many people find they can no longer live by externally demanded rules or roles that limit their deeper needs, desires and ultimately their sense of self. These roles might then be viewed as dispensable, as when a protege outgrows a mentor.

Want to's - Healthy egos have wants that are not the same as being egotistical. These are the personally chosen aspects of your life that are like the icing on the cake of your wishes or desires. Differing from goals, you may deeply desire to attain any of these, but you can live without them if you can't, or until you can attain them. These are also the virtues or practices you wish to grow into, such as becoming accomplished in a field, learning an instrument, sport or activity of your dreams, taking or completing a course or passion project, maintaining a relationship on your terms as much as possible, travel to a dreamt of site, living a bucket list, etc. These make your life worth living and give you energy instead of sapping it. They can ground you while also liberating you.

Here's an example I often cite from my own life:

Have to - lose 10 pounds; side note, truly necessary for my basic health

Should - lose 40 pounds; side note, largely vanity and probably unhelpful thinking

Want to - lose 20 pounds; side note, solidly aspirational for my pride and health

Mid-year I check these lists and briefly review how I've honoured them, if I still need to work on them, or if I decide to dump any of them. I tick ones I'm working on, and at the next new years day, I review them again before I compose any new lists.

If you do this self inventory for a few years, you may find that your "have to's" that you once felt to be crucially non-negotiable musts in your life are no longer needs for you, or they are shifting to becoming less demanding, but deeply desirable now as "want to's." Or, your have to's may even shift over time into the completely negotiable column of shoulds/shouldn'ts, where you can view them from a different perspective than when you had felt tied to them or driven by them. You may even find yourself laughing at the should's/shouldn'ts which you no longer need to heed in your maturing self. After several years of doing this, I have sometimes found my needs to be nearly equivalent to my wants column. In other words, I've frequently discovered greater inner harmony by wanting and simply enjoying doing what I had to do, as opposed to desperately needing or being driven by wants.

As you will see for yourself, you are not set in stone, even if the big 10 Biblical commandments originally were. See if this works for you, and welcome to your new year of life.

Christmas and the Inner Child

The Christmas story centering on the birth of the divine Christ child is sheer fallacy to some, revered religious fact to its Christian adherents, or a poetic and fitting time of year to celebrate new life and light coming into the literal and metaphorically darkened world. Whatever your belief, it can also be a profound time of year for Inner Child work, as you may feel the holiday season connecting you to your own childhood, with pleasant, unpleasant or very mixed results. People may react at this time of year out of their earliest patterns of attachment - via security and trust in others, or insecure and disrupted attachment with an ongoing, pervasive sense of loss throughout life or from being re-triggered by other losses. The image of newborn baby Jesus surrounded by his loving adults may be a comforting religious image, but forced social expectations and unquestioned assumptions around the holidays may simply be too much for the fragile world of an inner child who has experienced being mistreated, ignored or abandoned in life.

If you struggle at this time of year, is it possible for you to take time, however briefly, from your busyness and concerns to spend some moments with yourself, in quiet, in whatever ease possible, and in warmth, as you seek to question what triggers your senses of joy and anticipation, or of loss, disappointment, pain? I suggest you do this as lightly as possible, instead of digging, as in simply paying attention to your dreams, what your senses are telling you, and your interactions with others. You may be able to make notes, doodle, paint or speak aloud or sing your feelings. You may find it challenging in claiming time for yourself in the holidays, or you may find this simply impossible. Don't pressure yourself, but do listen to your dreams, your senses, your feelings, and make a note about these when you can. You may also wish to delay this until the New Year in making a real inventory of your life and needs.

If you feel you cannot do this alone, or if you fear what lies beneath, please contact a certified counsellor, therapist, or crisis line as soon as possible, especially if you are in fresh grief or trauma recovery. Professional therapists and trained volunteers are here to help you with your needs for living your day-to-day life, but especially so in times when this may be most difficult for you. And please note that if you are in physical danger from yourself or with others, contact a crisis line immediately or call 911 to get to safety.

Wishing you and your inner child the light and the learning you may need for your new year.